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| so it's been a little over a year since i posted the blog stating i was moving across the country. moving to arizona to work at Happy's Dream Ranch and pursue my dream of making a career with horses. a year since i chased my dream and watched it crash and burn. 2008 was an incredible year for me. one that's hard to put into words but i'm trying to get my thoughts about it organized and xanga is always reliable for that, right?
it is with Tobey on my lap that i write this blog. i have had him for over a year now, as well. and oh the things we have seen and done together. we traveled across the country to a hunter/jumper farm in the middle of nowhere Arizona when he was less than three months old, and i had barely turned 19. i uprooted my Harley and dragged him out there with me. two months into it i'm screaming and crying (literally) to get the hell out of there. i flee (once again, literally) to California to the salvation of my dad's family and away from 13 hour work days, 6 days a week. i left Harley behind, eventually having him sent back to Wisconsin. saddest day of my life. never ever ever would i have anticipated that happening. he was my future, my rock. i don't think i have ever cried so hard. his name is inked on the inside of my right wrist for eternity. I lived in California unti June 13th, where i then packed up (AGAIN) and was reunited with my family after five long months in Henderson, NV. and so began the process of re-building my life and putting things back together. i felt whole again. i was in SUCH a hurry to grow up, get out, and start "living" when i was really still such a kid and not ready for something so drastic. being back with my family, i felt safe, and i knew i would turn things back around. i hated feeling like i had failed so miserably at something i assured everyone who doubted me i would succeed at. but, i have no regrets. if i had not gone and tried my hand at a career with horses, i would have always wondered what if and regretted NOT doing it more than anything. someone might say "well, just cause it didnt work THERE doesn't mean it wont." yeah well i'm not about to go through that hell at any other barn to find out. it was a VERY realistic long term career. i was a head groom and assistant at a hunter/jumper barn that shows on the A circuit in Arizona. i couldn't have asked for a more realistic long term situation. THAT is what my future with horses would be like. i am NOT a known trainer, nor do i have the knowledge or "ins" with people in the industry to do so. i saw what my life would be like if i pursued a career with horses and i didn't like it. so i decided to do something about it. if people want to criticize me for it, go right ahead. don't think i haven't told myself everything you're thinking a thousand times over. but i am OKAY with it now. live and learn, right? no regrets. so here i am. just finished another semester of college, i'm going to work my ass off to get back on track and graduate in 2011 when i was supposed to, had i not taken a semester off. i start school again this week. i turn TWENTY years old next saturday. i have seen some of my BEST friends show their true colors over this last year. they know who they are.. and i can't even BEGIN to explain what their friendship and support has meant to me.. it is unbelievably hard to be so far away from the people you know, trust, and love to no end.. but i know that time will bring me back to them.. i hope they have some kind of idea what they are to me. words cant explain it. i am already anxiously awaiting June, when i will get to see them all again. i'll see Courtney and Chris in LA in March, Forest in March for Disney, then Kate and Sam will visit in May, and then i'll be back in GEEEBZ for a week or two in June. i cannot wait. and with my best friends shining through, i've also seen my "best" friends NOT come through. i'm sure they know who they are too.. and i understand what distance can do to friends. but real friendship withstands that. so now i have a better understanding of where things are with certain people. and i'm okay with that too. i can't forget Houston, of course.. my rock, my love, my best friend. he has been what's made las vegas okay for me, and i can't thank him enough for that. he's showed me how to really love and what it feels like to BE loved. its an incredible feeling. so, needless to say, i have some pretty freaking amazing people in my life right now<3
so, 2008.. this is me feeling closure for everything that you threw at me. for everything i messed up. for everything i fixed. for everything i overcame.
and 2009.. i'm ready. i'm anxious. i'm hopeful.
show me what you've got.
<3tay.
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| wow, it has been quite a long time since i've written anything in here. i'm not sure why i feel compelled to do so now, but i'm just going with it. things are going good here. the semester is wrapping up next week and i feel a huge sense of relief; im back in the swing of college, and back on track with where i should be going. this semester went fairly easy and i'm pleased with the fact that i really applied myself and just.. TRIED.. i hope it pays off with my final grades. i'm not riding anymore. i haven't touched a horse in weeks, not even at houston's. i haven't been in the barn. i just can't right now. it's really started to hit me that i dont have my harley and i can't bring myself to be around horses right now. i don't doubt if i don't ride a horse (with the exception of alyssa's next summer hehe) for years. taking lessons isn't the same. i crave that bond, that partnership you experience with your own horse.. and i won't get that for a while. i'm feeling more at ease with the situation but it's been rough. something that was such a huge part of my life for the last nine years is suddenly not a part at all. it'll take some re-wiring and adjusting on my part. when the day comes that i am able to have my own horse again, i will slowly bring myself back into it. but until then, it hurts too much. but on a lighter note, harley is in love with "his" kids (the 2 little girls leasing him) and that makes me very happy. he deserves a family to love him. anyways.. as positively corny and ridiculous as this sounds, i feel like bella swan in twilight, but mostly in new moon. i am so in love with houston it hurts. that boy does something to me i can't even begin to describe, and i can't believe he finds it in himself to love me. i feel like im living i a fairytale and i'm waiting to wake up. things could get seriously shaken up should his parents make that move back to minnesota, and i'm trying my hardest to stay strong. he's assured me that we will be fine either way.. that distance would mean nothing and true love endures.. so i'm choosing to believe that. if that makes me a fool, then so be it. as noted earlier, yes, i have decided i want to go back to green bay to visit next summer. for the longest time i was dead set against it.. that it just wasn't worth it.. but i miss a few people so much.. alyssa, forest, kate, aaron.. i need to see them. forest will be in california in march, during my spring break. we're going to disneyland and i am so excited i can't even stand it. tobey is a little sausage and i love him. that's all for now. <3 tay. | | |
| i am so happy.
i love my life.
i have a job.
im going back to school.
im riding again.
i have the most amazing boyfriend.
we bought a house.
ahhhhhh :]]
so.
job = walgreen's. nothing great but it's a job and i'm not going to be picky right now.. plus i worked at walgreen's junior year and it wasn't bad. money is money, right? plus its only like 20 hours a week, so whatev.
school = august 25th. i'm taking four classes, just gen ed stuff, three days a week.. im pumped. i'm actually excited to get back to school. weird? just a little, but its okay.. i'm pretty weird.
riding = love. i am so so so happy to be riding again. even though i'm only riding once a week for now, i'm still just thrilled. once the heat dies down ill start taking two, maybe three lessons a week, we'll see. it's just so hot out right now, even though i ride at 830am. i love hunters edge. i love my trainer. ahh yes.
boyfriend = the best thing that has ever happened to me. his name is houston. and he's amazing. i love his family. my family loves him. he likes me. we're pretty great together. and, his family has horses. at their house. i love ittt. i have never fallen so fast and so hard for someone. i'm really really excited for the future because of him. goshhh im nerdyyyy.
new house = can't waitttt. it's so pretty and we have a killer view of the strip out the back, and the mountains out the front.. it's brand new and will be done in a few weeks. we went shopping today and got all our bedding and stuff.. i'm excited! yayyyy.
so thats my life as of now. i'm happy. i hope you're happy too. byeeeeeeee :]]
<33 tay | | |
| well hello there, xanga.
i can't believe tomorrow is July 1st. where has this year gone?
well, we are in Henderson, NV now.. about 20 minutes from the strip! it's amazing being back with my family. i really feel at home again. Henderson is really nice, too. it's crazy hot right now, but we have friends that live in the country club so we go as their "guests" and lay by the pool pretty much every day. i've been looking for jobs with no success but i'm not worried, it'll happen with time. i start riding lessons this friday at Hunters Edge and i am so excited. i went out to the barn Saturday and met the trainers and a few of the boarders/lesson kids.. and i just can't wait to be riding again. we are looking at houses a lot and hopefully we find one soon cause none of us are very fond of this rental house. it's too small and just not "us" but it's better than nothing so we're dealing. tobey and bennett are adjusting to the heat well, even though bennett tries to tear down his little fenced in area four or five times before 7am... and he just so happens to be RIGHT outside my bedroom window. stupid head. tobey loves being outside and in the backyard he will just walk around and climb on big rocks and be a little explorer. goofball. overall, i really like it here so far. i'm hanging out with my cousins adam and garrett on friday for the 4th which i'm pretty pumped about.
i went back to Green Bay the 19-23rd of june. it was absolutely amazing. i had the best time ever. i saw Harley on the Saturday i was there. it was so bittersweet. i got out of the car and yelled his name, he ran up from the back of the pasture and whinnied at me. i rode him bareback and he was perfect. he is so happy. he looks great, his headshaking is gone, he likes the horses he is with.. i really couldn't ask for anything more. skyler and jan are taking such good care of him and i can tell skyler really cares about him. i am really really hoping things work out through the next few months of the lease and they buy him. otherwise i will really be lost. anyways, aside from harley.. i got to see pretty much anyone i wanted to see. it felt so comfortable and just.. right.. to be with everyone but at the same time i couldnt picture myself there for the whole summer. it was a weird feeling. i was so glad to see everyone, but by the time monday rolled around i was ready to leave. even though i was disgustingly hungover after twelve hours of drinking the night before.. yes, twelve hours. thats what happens at grad parties! haha. it was so worth it though. bigjohn came back too that weekend which was just extra special.. i would have been really disappointed if i wouldnt have gotten to see him. i saw forest on monday before i left, too.. i think i would have cried if i didnt see her. she's in france right now. i'm jealous. i saw alyssa on saturday too! with chickenhead. haha. anyways, i spent two nights with kelsey which was great.. and my last night with kate. i hope people come to visit me in vegas in the next year. i'm sure i will be going back to green bay every summer for a while.. but i'd love for my best friends to see my new life out here.. plus, its VEGAS!!
"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered" -nelson mandela
going back to green bay and being with everyone.. was really a kind of "coming to jesus" moment for me. i realized how much these four and a half months away have changed me, and i'd like to think it's for the better. like i said, i really couldn't picture myself in green bay anymore. it's weird. i love everyone there, more than anything, but i just feel like.. for the time being.. i've outgrown green bay. going back there i just realized that there is really nothing there besides my friends.. which is definitely enough of a reason for me to go back every year. but, i'm definitely happy with my decisions and with where i am.
we are going to see the American Idols Live tour on Saturday! haha. i'm honestly excited. i'm pretty much in LOVE with david cook.
so that's life right now. i'm content.
xoxox.
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Awake
By Josh Groban, Herbie Hancock
You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)
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hi.
i miss riding. so much. once i'm in nevada i'm going to find a barn and start lessons. i really like this one.. www.huntersedgelv.com but it will depend how far it is from the house. i miss having a "barn family." i miss wearing half chaps and boots. i miss horses. i cant wait to start again. i'm not sure how much lessons are but im hoping to ride at least twice a week. part of me thinks its pointless because i don't have a horse but then part of me knows that horses are just part of who i am and even though i won't have harley, he would want me to keep riding. so i will. if that means i just lesson for the next five years, then fine. i just know i NEED to be riding. i'm excited.
so yes speaking of nevada.. a little update there i suppose. my parents sold their house.. my mom and sisters are leaving june 10th to head out here. they're stopping in arkansas and arizona on the way so it will take a bit of time before they are in henderson but i'm moving there june 13th. my dad is hangin around GB to finish out the blizzard season.. so we're living in a bomb ass rental house while my mom goes and looks at houses.. hopefully we can find one quick since they can look at more houses on a daily basis. ahh i can't wait. i miss my family.. so much.
i'm going to green bay in 23 days. i am really really excited.
kate was here last weekend. amazing.
i love tobey.
k i'm gonna go to bed.. goodnight.
<33 taylor.
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